Ukraine: Days 4-6

              Super awesome kids who God made to be loved in Saknofscheena.....'Don't Forget Me'..

 After our days with the orphaned kids in the villages of Loubetin and Sakhnovsheena outside of Kharkov, we enjoyed a Sunday church service at Love and Salvation, one of the  churches we used to attend. It was really amazing to see that this non-denominational Christ-focused church has not only survived, but thrived. in the past years. The pastor, our friend Genna, was still preaching and had the same calm but powerful presence that we remembered.  Paul was asked to share about why we had come back to Kharkov, and although his Russian is fairly good, Genna translated Paul's charge for the church to care for  orphans (Yay, Paul!).  After the service, we were swarmed with people wanting to see Natalie....the little brown-eyed waif they had known so many years ago.  I think it was a bit awkward for Natalie as people were speaking to me in Russian while looking and smiling at her. Although she couldn't understand  what was being said, she knew very well that it was about her! Great teen-age moment she won't soon forget!

Natalie and the city she LOVES...Kharkov!

That evening we had a meal with the orphan grads who are living in Lifesong's Transition Home II.  The significance of the beauty, cleanliness, and safety of this home spoke volumes about how these kids are valued by the Lifesong ministry team....it wasn't just 'good enough for them'...it was truly good!.  The best part of our time there was hanging out with the kids, talking to them about what they are studying in school, what kind of music they like, and what tricks they can do (communication is so much more than words!), all the while encouraging them in our limited Russian to use their limited English.  I think it was frustrating for Natalie to not be 'in' on the conversations and it was beginning to wear on her more than a little.  She had hoped that occasionally listening to Russian lessons in the car over the past 6 months would have given her a good base...but with Russian, and perhaps most languages with a different alphabet, that is just not the case.  We tried to include her, but very often we were working very hard to communicate ourselves, so translating for her wasn't easy and often frustrated her more.

Zhennya walking on his hands!                                           Transition Home II 

                                                                                                               Denis and Tanya with their two boys in front

The following day Denis Poshelok, Lifesong's Ukrainian director,  took us to the place we first met Natalie, Baby House #1 (has a warm ring to it, doesn't it?).  On the way, Denis told us not to use our Russian, that he would translate.  We're still not sure why, especially since the orphanage director had known us previously and knew that Paul, at least, had a decent command of the language. But, when in Rome :-).....We met with the director, a woman who wears lots of sparkle and is known for her body hugging clothing.  She was kind, but reserved, and expressed her appreciation of us bringing Natalie to see her.  Natalie was able to ask the director if she knew if she had any siblings that had been through the orphanage.  She said she did not remember any children with Natalie's biological family's name, but said that she wouldn't be able to say anyway because of Ukraine's many privacy laws.  This was disappointing for Natalie and for us, but that is just the first chapter in that story, so we'll wait to see what God does in the future.

Paul, Natalie and Me at Baby House #1                                        Director and Natalie                           

 We took a tour of the orphanage and, quite frankly, even though there was talk of all the improvements that have been made, the orphanage looked almost identical in every way to how it looked when we left with Natalie as a 16 months old baby. While some of the larger cities in Ukraine, and especially Kharkov, where we used to live, have become more modern and like other cities in Europe, the villages and the orphanages have stayed almost exactly as we remembered them 16 years ago.  Although the rooms at the orphanage have some newer toys, they are still kept out of reach of the children.  Although they have added sensory integration toys such as a small ball pit and large riding toys to the 'play room' the kids are brought in only for short periods of time for supervised play.There were no children in any of the play areas we toured.  Everything is kept in order...again, that Soviet mindset of making sure everything 'looks' good regardless of the reality of the situation. If the toys are played with they will look 'used' and get broken, and the director's job might be in jeopardy if 'things' aren't in order.

Baby House #1

 In one of the baby rooms, Group 9, one small angel, about a year and a half old, was alone in the gated area and being quarantined because she had some healing burns on her neck and arm from an abusive home situation. When you touch a small child who has been institutionalized, one of the things you notice most is that the child is not used to being held or having anything to hold in their hands.  Their body posture is stiff and their hands don't know how to grasp objects or curl around a finger.  It brings out a deep sadness in me because touching is 'free' and these kids just don't know what it is like to be held, rocked, played with, sung to or laughed with.  Those things don't cost money, but these children are considered 'untouchable' and they are forever scarred by the lack of gentle human touch.

Right now there are fewer children in the orphanages across the country of Ukraine than there were 16 years ago. This is not a reflection of fewer orphaned or abandoned children, but more a reflection of a 'strong suggestion' from local governments that children not be taken to the orphanages.  Again, this is more of the Soviet mindset that still permeates Ukrainian thinking.  In order to make the crisis of orphaned and abandoned children 'appear' less of a crisis than it is, the local governments discourage people from bringing children who cannot be cared for to the orphanage.could care for a child whose parents aren't present.  However, if a relative would actually prefer to NOT care for that child, then the child will remain in a situation where he is neglected or abused because he is simply not wanted. There is no 'village' mentality in Ukraine....it's everyone for himself. Approximately 2/3 of the orphans in Ukraine are considered 'social orphans' having either one or both parents or some extended family member who could care for them but cannot do so because of finances, alcoholism or drugs, abuse, or other social conditions.

  

Typical apartment housing

When we left Baby House #1, we drove to an address we had for Natalie's biological mother from some of her adoption documents, realizing it was a long-shot.  Denis found the apartment building fairly easily although it was about 20 minutes drive outside the city of Kharkov. The building was pretty typical of the apartment complexes in Ukraine, many storied rectangular buildings in poor condition, with obscure entrances leading to dark hallways.  Once inside there are two to three apartment doors to each floor.  Denis went to look for the apartment number listed on the address and Paul, Natalie, and I prayed in the car.  It was kind of a surreal several minutes as we were all wondering what the next moments might hold.  Although no one had been at home when Denis rang the bell, he said it did look as if someone lived there.  We agreed for him to follow up with "people he knows" to see if Natalie's biological mother is still living in Kharkov.

We then drove to go see the trade school dormitories in a different section of town.  I had heard of the conditions of the dorms and had imagined what they were like, but truly nothing could have prepared me for what we saw.  As impoverished as many areas in Ukraine are, we went to what could only be called a 'ghetto within a ghetto'....an area where the buildings looked uninhabited and uninhabitable.  And, as if on cue, the skies grayed over and it started to rain, which really added to my 'creeped-out-ness'.  Denis parked the car and told us we would go in quickly and quietly...we weren't to talk, just follow him quickly. "Could we take pictures?", I asked.  "We'll see", was all he said....and I didn't know if that meant we'll just SEE, as in don't take pictures, or we'll SEE if we can take pictures...cuz that's one of those language things that you don't know the real meaning of, you see??? :-)  When we entered the building I took one breath and automatically started breathing through my mouth in shallow breaths.  The stench of urine, trash, and who knows what else was nauseating.   I honestly can't use words to describe the hell hole we walked through, and the pictures (we took them, see?) don't tell all, but I can't imagine anyone living in these conditions, and especially not a 15 or 16 year old, and especially not a girl without  protection and especially not an orphan without family....and especially not any of the kids I met, some of whom will live here, and some of whom will die here. And this is why this paragraph had to have a little humor in it, because the reality is really unbelievable...and probably my parents shouldn't read this paragraph.  Yes, they should have definitely skipped this paragraph.

Trades school 'Dormitories'.....ghetto hell

I hate to end on a low note, and the trades school dorms were definitely the 'low note' of our trip, although I am so grateful that Denis took us to see what I had only imagined before. This last set of pictures are from the city of Kharkov, and I can't help but notice the contrast in the above 'orphan experience' pictures, to the experience of 'regular' people in Ukraine.  The chasm between the 'least of these' and the rest of us so very great....it makes my 'five bucks' cup of coffee a little hard to swallow.

Reasons Natalie could survive in Kharkov:

Coffee, books, shoppping!

Ukraine: Days 1-3

We arrived home last night, one day later than originally planned as we missed our flight out on Friday. That story is a blog post of it's own!  This is the first installment of several that I'll write about our time in Ukraine.

My intentions of keeping everyone updated as we traveled were somewhat naive....when I had  time I had no internet, when I had internet I had no time.  And on the rare occasion when I had time and internet I had no mental stamina! So over the next few weeks I hope to post thoughts and reflections on our time in a country that despite all of it's incongruencies and extreme inconsistencies, continues to wrap itself around my heart and relentlessly draw my thoughts and prayers to it's orphaned children.

We spent our first day in Kiev wandering the downtown area in a light rain, which made our wandering all the more surreal and nostalgic... at least for the first few hours!  Some great Ukrainian food, and hours of  cathedral-visiting, people-watching, and internet-seeking later, we boarded the overnight train to Kharkov.  The train compartments are comfortable to sleep in, and the  toilets were much improved from what I remembered 16 years ago.   Apparently I had spoken of them with such description of horror that Natalie thought if she needed 'to go' she would be entering the bowels of hell!

Natalie: "I could eat this food everyday for the rest of my life!"

We arrived in Kharkov at 6:45 a.m and were met by a Lifesong orphan graduate named Dima, and taken to the transition home where he and his wife work as houseparents for a group of orphan graduates.  We enjoyed the first of many amazing meals prepared for us by selfless, humble Christian women....you know.....much like me :-).   The hospitality we receive here is a good reminder of how to truly honor guests in a home.  I could spend a lifetime taking lessons from these beautiful women and still not be halfway there.

A delicious meal prepared at Lifesong Transition Home I

We were able to visit to two transition homes for orphan grads and met some amazing young people who are trying to make a better life for themselves with the help of Christian house parents and mentors.  They are hard working and live "by the rules" which are pretty strict for young people even by American standards, but especially for young people who have had little to no supervision for the majority of their lives.

Transition Home I

Because of the timing of our visit here, we had the opportunity to see the " Last Bell" or graduate ceremonies of two orphanages.  These ceremonies remind me of everything I think I know about the Soviet mindset.  On the outside, the girls are dressed up, in some cases even in long evening wear dresses,  they are all carrying bouquets of peonies, and wearing sashes with their graduation year on them. There is singing and dancing performances, recitations and awards for high academic scores.  There are speeches with words of praise for the students and teachers and admonitions to look for a bright future, work hard, and make a way for themselves in this world.  All of this is much like the graduation ceremonies for our high school students here in America.....with the difference that these students and their teachers know that their chance for 'making a better life' is very much against the odds. And instead of parents and friends sitting in the audience, it is the younger classes of orphaned children who will someday take their place on stage, participate in a Last Bell ceremony and then be walked to the orphanage gates with the clothes on their back.

Last Bell for orphaned 9th grade graduates and their teachers

The facade of the celebratory ceremony cannot hide the truth that is written on the faces of the graduates which  gives away their understanding of the reality of the futures ahead of them. It reminded me of what I've read about the celebrations of Canaanite child sacrifice or Japanese Kamikaze warriors.  Or perhaps the Hunger Games, where pomp and circumstance surrounds the selection of children to participate in deadly battles. I know this comparison seems extreme, but so are the statistics that describe orphaned graduates.  I've stated them before, but they are worth repeating.  70% of these kids will end up in crime or prostitution, dropping out of school because their living conditions in the trade school dorms are intolerable (more on this in my next post). 10% of these kids will end up committing suicide before their 18th birthdays.  Recently, Denis Poshelok, Lifesong Ukraine's director, told us that 50% of the jail population in Ukraine is made up of orphaned graduates.

While these statistics are grim, the difference that many ministries are making in the lives of these kids is very encouraging.  In the next few posts I'll tell more about what we learned as we spent time with Lifesong Ukraine's staff and orphaned graduates who have 'made it' and are now pouring into the lives of those coming out of this broken system.  I am reminded not to despair for these kids, but to hope for them, to pray for them and to encourage those who work with them sharing the love of our heavenly Father.

 “Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob, all the remnant of the people of Israel, you whom I have upheld since your birth, and have carried since you were born.4 Even to your old age and gray hairs  I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.  Isaiah 46:3-4

Then and Now....Returning to Ukraine with Natalie

We are three days from departing for Ukraine.  Paul, Natalie,  and I are returning together to a place we left together almost exactly 16 years ago.  Then, we were leaving Ukraine with our newly adopted 20 month old daughter carried on my hip, while our soon to be born daughter was carried way out front. We had been in Ukraine for one year and had accomplished what we felt God had asked us to do while He did immeasurably more than we could have asked for in giving us the children we so desired. Paul had helped build and equip a Christian medical clinic, and I had worked with deaf believers, encouraging them to 'speak' to God in their native tongue, sign language.  Then, I was glad to be leaving, anxious to be 'home' to see our family and friends and to have them meet our precious girl.  Now, I am glad to be returning to introduce Natalie to her birthplace, her heritage, her roots, and quite honestly, there are parts of my heart that never left Ukraine.                                                

                                                Then......age 8 months

Our trip is many fold in purpose.  Natalie is now 17 and is leaving for college in the Fall of this year so our going is part graduation gift, part her trying to learn something of her birth parents and possible siblings, and it is something we have talked about doing with her for years.  But this trip is also part ministry as we visit Lifesong for Orphans, an organization I have become very involved with, advocating for the orphaned children they serve and learning more each day about their heart for the fatherless and their strategy to love them to Christ.

I had the thought the other day that God's plan for Natalie was so complete that even if we had 'missed' somehow and not met, fell in love with, and adopted her, God was already working to create Lifesong.  And chances are she would have grown up in one of the five orphanages in the city of Kharkiv that has Lifesong Christian workers whose sole purpose is to love the precious kids who, by no fault of their own, find themselves without parents.  How cool is that?

                                                      Now....age 17        

We will be in Ukraine for 10 days and during that time I hope to journal through this blog and share with you our experiences along the way.  Although I've been back to Ukraine several times alone, I am anxious for Paul to see what has changed (a lot!) and I'm, of course, anxious to see Ukraine through Natalie's eyes!  We don't really know what we will learn, if anything, about her birth mother or possible siblings.  She has a desire to thank her birth mother for giving her life, knowing that abortion would have been the 'easy way out' for a mother with an unplanned pregnancy.  I hope she gets that opportunity and we are privileged to be sharing this with her, but this is her private experience and I won't be sharing a lot about her personal reflections without her permission.

"As we prepare for departure, please make sure your tray table is stowed in the upright and locked position.....".  Here we go....hope you'll read along as we journey!

"And God purposed that through Him all things should be completely reconciled back to Himself, whether on earth or in heaven, as through Him, the Father made peace by means of the blood of His cross."
Colossians 1: 20

Adoption and/versus Orphan Care

This seems a strange place to start the blog I have been sweating over the layout for for the past month, but I think it's where I'm supposed to jump in.  So, here we go....

I love adoption.  I am the mom of our oldest amazing daughter, Natalie, age 17, who was given to us through adoption and I'm also the mother to a wonderful daughter, Leah, age 15, and a great son, Cole, age 13, who we acquired the 'normal' way. Neither way of starting or completing a family is more blessed, amazing or unique than the other.  I love that God chose us to be adoptive parents, but I am also feel privileged to have experienced pregnancy and childbirth.  

I don't for a minute believe that we 'rescued' our adopted daughter anymore than I believe my parents rescued me or your parents rescued you.  I understand the wonder of grafting a child into our family and truly appreciate how complete and full that experience is.  I am in awe of it and can more fully grasp how my Father in heaven calls me his daughter.

But.... this....is different....from orphan care.  We never once through the process of adopting our daughter thought we were caring for an orphan.  Maybe that was because when we were adopting it wasn't particularly the 'radical' thing to do.  Ours was an adoption born out of a desperate desire to start a family and a deep love for one fuzzy headed, chicken pox covered little girl. 

Orphan care is different....it hurts.  It has few happy endings....it means caring and loving kids who stay in situations that our hearts and heads can hardly stand.  It means either giving money to a ministry which seems like a vast hole in which there is no 'feel good' except the occasional picture or letter from a sponsored child.  It is accepting that the nights spent awake wondering what the fates and futures of kids who faces gently haunt me will not add anything to the work of our Father in heaven on whose palms are written every name I remember and fret over.

If I had my way, every square inch of our home would be filled with kids who need hugs and moms and backpacks and good belly filling food.  I am not naive.  These kids come with some serious baggage. We have hosted Ukrainian orphans, been a part of other hostings that have gone sour, and have traveled to orphanages throughout Ukraine. We have had tears and drama. I don't naturally, out of my own reserve, love them all the same. I am drawn to some, deeply love a few, and have no attachment to others. My sweet family loves me and supports me but they don't necessarily feel the same 'burn' to fill our house with orphans, hosted, adopted or supported.  

I feel desperately torn between two families that I love dearly...my Buczynsky family, our Boo Crew, five of us...tight and connected.  And my Ukrainian kids....the ones who I'll never be a real mom to, but whom I love just the same.  Facebook contact, prayer, money, fundraising, travel, mission trips, advocating, prayer, money, awareness.....this is orphan care.